


Small Talk

by camichats



Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [205]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Established Relationship, Lack of Communication, M/M, Relationship Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29269545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: An off-handed comment from Lily about one of Remus's bad habits in the flat makes James think about his own habits at home. The more he thinks about it, the worse he feels. How had Sirius put up with it for so long?
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [205]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/752925
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79





	Small Talk

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: “James and Sirius live together. during a meeting with friends, someone makes a comment that James is a terrible neighbor, to which Sirius either agrees or just laughs. despite the fact that it is a joke, James seriously thinks about it and comes to the conclusion that it is true. then James packs up his things to move out while Sirius is away, bc he knows that Sirius will try to talk him out of it (out of politeness?) Sirius catches him before he leaves. what happens next?”

Adult parties were weird. When they were kids, parties were basically getting together with your friends while all your parents all talked. When they got a little older, they played games. They got to be teenagers and spent all their parties drinking while they played games. 

Then they got to be the adults at parties-- without kids, for now at least-- and they were weird. James enjoyed himself. There wasn't any disputing that, but it was kind of weird. He didn't feel old, but all of them were sitting around-- well, okay, some of them were standing but his point remained the same-- sipping wine and snacking as they caught up. 

Because that's all they did at these parties: they caught up with each other. He learned that Marlene's boss had come onto her even though he was married, Dorcas went and threatened him after it happened, and Lily had tried to be supportive about it all but mostly ended up laughing. Work complaints dominated the conversations since that's all any of them spent time doing, but most of them weren't as colourful as Marlene's. Little things. Like Mary's coworker that always asked to borrow a quill and never returned it, but she didn't feel like she could say no when they asked. Or Peter's boss, who always gave him enough time for a project, then asked why it wasn't done halfway through that time limit. James, for his part, liked to complain about the other people on the Quidditch team. 

They were all still friends from Hogwarts, but that didn't mean the group hadn't expanded. James and Sirius were the only official couple-- less official and more like they were still dating between one party and the next-- but there were a few other people that were flatmates. James and Sirius lived together, obviously, and then there was Lily and Remus. Everyone else either lived on their own or with a flatmate that none of the rest of them knew. Alice's flatmate had been homeschooled, and apparently was very difficult to live with. 

James didn't think anything about the way the conversation he was a part of moved to talking about the person you live with until Lily said to Sirius, "-and he said that James did the same thing in Hogwarts! And I was like 'er, if you want us to keep living together, you have to stop that right now and forever'. He said he'd think about it, but come on! It's like the worst thing in the _world_ , isn't it?" and Sirius laughed. He didn't say, "Yeah, totally," or nod, but he laughed, and it made James feel sick to his stomach, like the wine was churning in his stomach. 

"Remus has always been a bit of a tosser," is what Sirius actually replied, and it didn't make James feel any better. He hadn't really been part of the conversation, content to sit on the side and sip at his drink, sometimes paying attention and sometimes not. 

It was a pretty unfortunate time for him to be paying attention, but it probably didn't mean anything. Him and Sirius got on each other's nerves sometimes with their little quirks; it didn't mean anything deeper. 

* * *

James couldn't get it out of his head. He tried to tell himself that Lily had just been venting, Sirius had only replied to the part about Remus and not his own boyfriend, but the more he thought about it, the worse he felt. 

He'd brushed it off by saying that him and Sirius had disagreements about their living habits sometimes, but that wasn't true, wasn't it? Sirius didn't do things that James didn't like; James did things that Sirius didn't like. Sirius would talk to him about it, James would get pissy, and they'd compromise. 

Why the hell did they compromise? James liked to do everything his way, it's true, but Sirius had never been _wrong_ when he complained. James did rubbish like leave food out overnight and never folded his laundry, and when Sirius asked him to be more mindful, James had pretty much refused. Oh he'd done it in a way that wasn't angry and came across as more joking, but he'd still refused. That had still been the end result: him refusing to do the simplest things. The 'compromise' had been for Sirius to doublecheck the counters before crawling in bed. The 'compromise' had been for Sirius to put the clothes on the couch when they were done, because if James could see it right next to him, he'd fold it just to have something to do with his hands. 

And once he'd started thinking of that, he'd realised that he didn't really do a fair share of the household chores. He did dishes, and he cooked, but what else? He hadn't put a lot of thought to it before, but when was the last time he'd cleaned the toilet? Or the kitchen? He didn't do most of the regular household cleaning, and he was as hell didn't do any deep cleaning, like washing the drapes or scrubbing the windows-- both of which he'd seen Sirius do before. He'd always assumed that if Sirius wanted help, he'd ask for it. That had been a rubbish excuse, and he knew it now. 

The only real question left was: why the sodding hell had Sirius put up with all of this for so long? 

The answer, unfortunately, was obvious. He put up with it because he loved James. 

James had never had to question whether or not Sirius loved him, because he said it all the time. When they graduated from Hogwarts, Sirius had told him that he never wanted to live without him. When they decided to move into the same room instead of having two separate beds, Sirius had told him that he loved him more than he'd known was possible. Over the years, it was obvious that that hadn't changed. Sirius still loved him; Sirius would let him get away with anything if it meant they were still together. 

And again, compare Sirius's feelings on that to the disagreements they had when Sirius tried to talk to him about something that was bothering him, and it was just easier to let it go. 

James knew that if Sirius was presented with the options of keeping James and having to do everything himself, or losing James and getting the perfect flatmate (or boyfriend), Sirius would choose him. 

No matter how miserable he otherwise was, he'd choose James. He'd choose James because he honestly believed that he didn't deserve better-- he didn't think that he deserved James, either, but James had worked pretty hard on making sure that Sirius knew that he loved him too. 

Sirius would never tell him to leave or be better. James could always try to be better-- and he certainly would be, in the future-- but for now, with Sirius, he knew that he couldn't salvage that. Not completely. He could get better about the chores and the laundry, but he wouldn't be able to trust that Sirius would tell him about any new problems they had. Hell, he couldn't even trust, that he'd caught everything. What else was there that Sirius wasn't drawing his attention to? How often did Sirius put aside what he wanted in favour of something James wanted? 

There was no telling. 

And James had no idea if Sirius would respond truthfully him if he asked. 

There were other options. Better options, probably, but he couldn't think of any. He didn't believe that Sirius would communicate with him if he asked, and he had no way of knowing if what he was doing was wrong without it. Even with it, there was no guarantee that he'd be better. 

James had to leave. He had to get away and clear his head. Do some self-reflecting and figure out what kind of person he was versus who he wanted to be. 

He'd taken Sirius for granted; he'd taken his presence and his love for granted. He hadn't put in the effort that he should have. He knew that relationships took work, and he'd been putting in only half the effort that Sirius deserved. 

Yeah. He needed space. He had to get time away from Sirius and get his head on straight. Did he want to live without Sirius? Of course not. Did he want to break up with Sirius? Hell no. But he thought that it would be better in the long run. For both of them. He had to remember that this was going to turn out for the best, for both of them. 

It was still hard to start packing up his things. He'd have to talk to Sirius about it-- he wasn't going to just vanish without an explanation, and after everything else, Sirius definitely deserved to know what was happening-- but there was no need to draw it out. Sirius was at work, so James had plenty of time to get his clothes into the suitcase. He left anything that could've been considered both of theirs where it was. He hadn't put any effort into their life together, so he didn't have any claim to the objects that might represent it. Besides, what would he do with dishes? He was going to the Leaky while he looked for a new place; he wouldn't need dishes or a laundry basket or towels of his own. When he found a new flat, there'd be plenty of time to buy all those things. 

James had to cast an expansion charm on his suitcase, and then he sat heavily on the couch. 

Everything was packed. This was it. Sirius was going to get home in about an hour, and then he'd have to tell him that he was leaving. He didn't know how he was going to tell him. How the hell did he even start that conversation? 'We need to talk'? 'I need to tell you something'? That one made it sound like he was cheating. 

He was going to go drop off his bag and book a room at the Leaky and then come back. 

It would be... neater. 

He got to his feet and picked up the suitcase. They didn't have a floo linked to their flat since they both preferred apparation, so he turned to the door, only to freeze in place when Sirius opened the door. 

"Hey," Sirius said with a smile. He kicked off his shoes like he always did. 

"You're home early," James said, feeling panic start to seep into him. His heart was hammering against his ribcage like it wanted to break free. He'd thought that he had more time until he had to do this. Another hour to get it in his head that it was the end and come to terms with it. 

"Yeah," Sirius said, still not noticing that anything was amiss. "I figured I could call it an early weekend since I had to work so late the last two days." He stretched his arms over his head with a satisfied groan. "Working at a desk all day really doesn't do me any favours," he said, turning to James with a grin. That was when he noticed James's expression. "Are you alright?" 

James reached up with his free hand and rubbed at his face. "Erm." 

"What's with the suitcase? I'm pretty sure you have to tell your boyfriend before you go on holiday," Sirius joked. He knew that something was wrong, but he was still joking because he had no idea which direction this was going to go. 

James felt like the worst person in the world. "I was going to the Leaky." 

"Well that doesn't count as a holiday," Sirius said. He reached for James, and James stepped back. Sirius froze, hand in front of him. "James?" 

He swallowed thickly. He hadn't planned what to say. He didn't know what to do that might soften the blow. "I'm moving out." 

"What?" 

"I-" James stopped, his throat working. "I'm leaving you. I'm going to stay at the Leaky until I find a new place." 

Sirius was struck dumb. He stared at James with wide, disbelieving eyes, not moving. 

James tightened his grip on the suitcase. He couldn't leave unless Sirius moved, and he wasn't going to push him to the side. When he'd made this decision, he'd agreed that he would tell Sirius why he was doing it. Not all of it, because Sirius would try to tell him that it wasn't true-- he'd say anything to make him stay-- but he deserved an explanation of some sort for all of the time they'd spent together. "I don't think we're happy together." 

"What? I was happy. When weren't you happy? You always looked happy to me. If I did something that made you-" 

"You didn't do anything," James said miserably. "I swear you didn't. I did some thinking and realised that I haven't been... I need some time to think. I need space, and I don't think that we were good together." 

"We aren't good together?" Sirius repeated. "What the hell does that mean? We were _perfect_ together." 

He swallowed again. He knew that he had a lot to make up for, and a hundred different things to apologise to Sirius about, but he didn't want to get into that right now. If he brought it up, they'd just end up arguing. Once Sirius had some time to get used to them being apart, then they could talk about all the details. Rather, James could apologise, and maybe Sirius wouldn't argue with him over it. "I disagree. Look, I- I really think we should get some space from each other before we talk about it." 

"No! There's no sodding point in putting it off if we can figure it out. James, just- for fuck's sake, listen to yourself," Sirius said, putting his hands on either side of James's face desperately. "We're _happy_. We've been happy, and we will continue to be for years. Nothing's changed. If you need some space, I can move to the other room for a few days. Or- hell, a month, however long it takes, but don't _do this_. We don't need to break up. You can sort yourself out here fine; you don't need to go the Leaky and make yourself miserable. Just stay here and everything will be fine." 

James shook his head. No, nothing had changed, but that was the problem. James brought up a hand and put it on Sirius's arm to get him to let go, but he found his touch lingering, savouring. "I'm going to miss you," James whispered. He was going to miss going to bed next to him and waking up the next morning, warm and content. His smile, his laugh, the way he got everything wet after a shower because he didn't dry his hair, his leather jacket by the door, the way he kicked off his shoes like he couldn't stand them the second he was home... everything. 

He leaned in, pressing a last kiss to Sirius's lips. 

Sirius's grip on him went slack. "Please," Sirius whispered against his mouth as tears spilled over. 

"I'm sorry." James pulled away and- 

He walked out. It was as simple as that. One foot in front of the other. He fished the key from his pocket and dropped it before opening the door. He stepped through, closed the door, and turned on his heel, casting a spell he'd done a hundred times. It felt no different this time to disapparate and land in Diagon Alley right outside of the Leaky Cauldron. 

It should've been easy to do all of that, but James could hardly breathe. Sirius was the best thing that had happened to him, and he'd just left him. Abandoned him. 

He tried to shake that thought loose. 

He didn't _abandon_ Sirius. He told him that he was leaving. Sirius still had the flat and all his belongings, not to mention all his friends. He had plenty of people to turn to if he needed support. He'd be fine. 

* * *

James had a length of parchment as long as his arm, and he'd been working on a comprehensive list of everything he'd done wrong in his relationship with Sirius. Not every little mistake and time he'd snapped when he was angry, but the patterns he'd fallen into. The things he'd done that showed a disregard for being part of a partnership. 

The chores, the thing with the milk, the laundry, that all went on the list-- they were the first things he wrote down since they'd already been on his mind. He'd been staying at the Leaky Cauldron for a week now, and he felt like the list was complete. It was like a testament of his sins, of all the reasons he'd been right to leave because Sirius deserved so much better. 

His mind told him it had been the correct decision at the same time his heart screamed in pain. 

He _missed_ Sirius. It was like missing half of his self. Any time he left to buy food instead of eating the inn's meals, he bought too much, like he was buying for two and not one. He'd see a ridiculous ad in the _Prophet_ and wanted to turn the paper to show Sirius. 

It was going to take a while for him to get used to the change. That's all this was. Sirius had been a part of his life for over a decade. He wasn't going to get used to not seeing him after only a week. 

Someone knocked on the door, and James got to his feet to answer it, assuming it was Tom. He didn't know if Tom pitied him or if he did it for all the people that stayed there longer than a night, but he'd taken to checking in on James-- ostensibly to make sure the 'accommodations were still satisfactory'. He opened the door, and instead of Tom, it was Lily. 

It was obviously a day that she had off from work, because she was dressed down, hair pulled back, and she wasn't wearing any makeup. "Hey," she said with a small smile. "Can I come in?" 

"Yeah. Er, sure," he said, stepping back. There was a small table with two chairs in all the rooms, so James sat down and hid the list from view as she closed the door. 

Lily walked over and took the other chair, crossing her legs and putting one arm on the table so she could lean onto it. "How've you been?" She knew about the breakup. James hadn't told anyone, but the sympathy in her face was hard to misplace. Not to mention that she'd known to look for him here. 

"I'm fine," he lied. "How's Sirius?" 

"A mess. It would almost be interesting to see what someone looks like after having their heart ripped out if I wasn't wondering what the _hell_ you were thinking when you did it. So James, what the hell were thinking? This isn't like you. Sirius means the world to you, and he's hurting right now. You shouldn't be the cause of it, you should be there, comforting him." 

"You didn't even ask what happened." 

"You said you were fine. If you didn't think this was your fault, you would've been more open about it. Maybe not with me, because I know we don't talk about our feelings with each other all the time, but you would've given me something different than what you'd tell some sodding stranger." She took a deep breath. "Look. Sirius is miserable. You're miserable. You think it's your fault, which-- from where I'm standing-- means this is fixable. If you want to talk to me about it, I'm here. If you'd rather talk to someone else about it, I suggest you give them a visit very soon." 

James knew that the smart thing to do would be to tell her that he had the situation in hand, but she was right; he was miserable, and more than that, he was tired of it. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into Sirius's arms and just exist with him again. "Do you remember that party a few weeks ago? You were whinging about something Remus does that drives you barmy." 

"I remember." 

"And Remus said that I did it too." 

"Yeah." 

"And Sirius laughed it off." 

"I can't say I remember that part too well, but okay. Where are you going with this?" 

"I'm terrible to live with. Any time Sirius tried to correct me on something, I blew him off, and he only ever did it for little things anyways. I'm- I was a horrible flatmate-- and by extension boyfriend-- and he didn't talk to me. For a couple things, yeah, he did try to talk to me and I didn't listen, but the rest of it? He never mentioned anything. He shouldn't have had to, I know that now, but it's... I couldn't ask for him to forgive all that." 

Lily blinked, slowly digesting that. "So you broke up because you were doing a whole bunch of annoying things around the flat? Is that what you're saying?" 

"It's not _just_ the stuff around the flat; it's what it meant. Sirius was having to do everything, and I was acting like a tosser about it for no good reason." 

She nodded. "I can see where you're coming from. You want my advice?" 

"I'm not sure there's any advice to be given about a relationship that's already finished," James said. 

"Do you want my advice or not?" 

James motioned as if to say 'go ahead'. 

"That's definitely a _problem_ , but I don't think it's something worth breaking up over. Did Sirius say that it was bothering him? Rhetorical question, I know he didn't. He has no idea what's going on. He's convinced you fell out of love with him and never said anything." 

"What?" James asked, aghast. "That's ridiculous!" 

"You can get into that later. My point is that maybe you did have things that you needed to work on, but all of them combined still don't look like a good enough reason to breakup. You have a problem like that, and you _talk_ about it. You don't bail." 

"How would you know? You've never dated anyone for longer than two months. Sirius and I have been together since we were sixteen. It's not really the same." 

"Lucky for you, then, that I'm not giving this advice based on my own personal experience. I've never found someone that I can get on with for long enough to have these problems, but I do pay attention. From where I'm sitting, it looks like you had a real problem in your relationship for the first time, and you panicked." 

"I didn't _panic_ ," James denied. It was a bit of a lie because he had panicked, but it's not like he'd thought of it and then run for the hills. "I looked at the situation and came to the conclusion that we couldn't fix it." 

"You came to that decision all by yourself? Without talking to Sirius?" 

"That's what 'by myself' means, yes." 

"And you don't see a problem with that? That you thought there was this big problem in your relationship and you didn't talk to your partner about it?" 

"I'm not really hearing anything that makes me want to change my mind." 

"I think Sirius deserves better from you." 

James went quiet. "I told him," he said slowly, "that it wasn't his fault." 

"Is there a reason you didn't tell him all of this?" 

"Yes," James said and didn't elaborate. Lily was judging him enough without him admitting that he hadn't talked to Sirius because he didn't trust him to be honest. 

With the time that had passed-- or maybe it was just the space-- that reason didn't sound as good as it had when he left. 

He blew out a breath. "Look, thanks for coming by, but we can deal with this on our own." 

Lily's expression was tight like she wanted to argue, but eventually she said, "Fine," and got to her feet. "Don't be afraid to owl if you ever want to chat or get tea or summat, yeah?" 

"Yeah. It was good to see you." 

She left, but the effect her conversation had on James lingered. Maybe he'd overreacted a little. He could've talked to Sirius about it. He _should've_. He hadn't wanted to bring all of it up with him though, only for Sirius to insist that it wasn't a big deal. He hadn't trusted Sirius to tell him the truth if it _did_ bother him, and if Sirius hadn't realised before that it bothered him, he'd thought that with his absence, Sirius would figure it out. 

But James was miserable, and if Lily was to be believed, Sirius was miserable too. The last thing James wanted was to make Sirius sad. He'd broken up with him because he'd genuinely thought that it was the best option. 

He'd gotten the time and space that he'd asked for, and he'd changed his mind-- with a little help from Lily, but he wasn't in the mood to admit that to her. The next step would be to talk to Sirius about it, the way he should have from the beginning. 

With a sigh, James got to his feet and put on his shoes. He'd check by the flat and see if Sirius was there. If he wasn't, then James would send him a letter and ask if he wanted to talk. The only reason he didn't do that first was because he didn't want to make Sirius worry. If he showed up and they could talk, it would be easier than planning a big meeting and letting both of them get anxious about it. 

He walked down to Diagon before disapparating, landing on the welcome mat for their flat. He knocked on the door, then ran a hand through his hair anxiously. What if Sirius told him to get lost? What if they could've worked through the original issues, but James leaving was too much for Sirius to forgive? 

The door opened, and James's mind went blank. 

"Hey," Sirius said, reserved. There were dark circles under his eyes, but he'd always had trouble getting to sleep. He had his hair pulled back too, which usually meant that he was too tired to take a shower. Sirius looked basically the same way he always did, if a little more worn out; James probably looked a hell of a lot worse. 

"Erm. Yeah, hi. Hello." James winced at how awkward that sounded, ruffling his hair some more. "I was... hoping we could talk? About us?" 

"Yeah, sure," Sirius said easily, opening the door wide and stepping aside to give James space. 

The door closed, and James turned to him, blurting, "Are you mad at me?" 

Sirius blinked, confused. "Like, for breaking up with me? I mean, yeah, a little. It came out of nowhere, and you kept saying that we weren't happy together." 

"That's not- I mean, yes, that's good to know, but that's not what I meant. Before that. When we were living together like normal. Were you mad at me?" 

"No? What kind of question is that? Did you really move out because you thought I was mad at you for some imagined slight?" 

"No." 

"No?" 

"It was more like-" James shifted his weight uncomfortably. "It was more like I thought about all the stuff you were doing around the flat that I refused to help with. Or that thing with the milk? All you did was ask me to put it away when I was done, and instead of saying yes like a good boyfriend, I sodding made _you_ do it." 

Sirius blinked at him again. "You left," he said slowly, "because you thought I was pissed off about the milk and the fact that you don't clean the shower." 

"It sounds stupid when you say it like that," James muttered. 

"I don't care about the sodding milk. Or the way you leave your laundry sitting around for days even though you end up having to wash it again. Does that annoy me? Yeah, but it's- it's not worth _you_." 

"See, that," James said, pointing at him. "That's why I didn't talk to you about first. I knew you'd make excuses and say that it didn't matter to you even when it does." 

"You broke up with me because I don't punish you for doing shite that bothers me?" Sirius asked incredulously. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You break up with someone because you don't love them anymore or because they've done something you can't forgive, not because you don't always clean the sodding flat." 

"But you deserve _better_. You shouldn't have to do all of that, and you shouldn't have to put up with someone that just lets it happen! I wasn't about to tell you that you have to forgive me over and over when I bugger up." 

"Who the hell have you been dating this entire time? Do you even know me? It's _me_ , James. I clean the toilet, like, every single week because it gives me something to do. It doesn't _need_ to be cleaned that often, but you know how I am about cleaning-- or at least you knew when we first moved in together." 

"You said it cleared your head," James said, remembering. Bugger. How had he forgotten that? He'd spent weeks thinking about this, and not once had he remembered the way Sirius cleaned his room at the Potter's house every single week like clockwork. At Hogwarts had been different because of the house elves, but when Sirius was anywhere else, he liked to clean. Turn on some music, and he spent a couple hours up to his elbows in cleaning charms and loving it. 

"Yeah, so why would this be any different? The milk thing- okay, I admit that one did kind of piss me off, but everything else? Even the laundry thing is annoying when it gets in my way, but I don't actually _care_. Just- for Merlin's sake, come home. I hate it here without you." 

"I thought you'd be happier without me," James said quietly, because it was important to him that Sirius knew where he'd come from. The chores were the details that he'd been wrong about, but the conclusion had come from a place of caring. 

Next thing he knew, Sirius was hugging him, arms almost painfully tight. James hugged him back, just as firmly. "Next time you think that, for fuck's sake, ask me first. I'm happy with you." 

James swallowed thickly. "I happy with you too. Does this mean I can move back in?" 

"If you don't, I'm kidnapping you." 

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt driven blog @[imaginejamesandsirius](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Feel free to drop by!


End file.
